Happy Halloween 2012

The trick or treaters at our door tonight were really decked out this year.  It seems as though the assortment of costumes were more elaborate than in recent years.  It is always fun to see the cuties at my door.

However, today I learned that a work colleague's 14 year old son was accidentally shot and  killed by a 15 year old friend.  They were playing with an older brother's gun.  There simply are no words.  There is nothing more tragic than losing a child.

So tonight, in the dark, dark shadow of such a loss, I gain perspective.  There is very little in life that holds real importance, yet we tend to place disproportionate importance on small stuff and insignificant "problems".  I am reminded that as long as we have each other and we have our health and a roof over our heads, we're good.  We're good.

So tonight, hug your little trick or treaters just a little tighter.   Celebrate the things in life for which you are grateful.  Reminder yourselves - you're good.  You're good. 

Sprituality

During the past year, I have been reading a lot about spirituality.  It supports a core belief I have held for years which is that you get back what you give.  Just like the concept of Karma, spirituality says that the energy you put out comes back to you.

Another concept of spirituality is that we are not our thoughts.  Thank goodness for that!  I have been so confused and undirected lately with negative and fearful thoughts taking over often.  I need to practice and learn how to separate myself of these thoughts and connect to the joy which is always inside of us.  Easier said (and written) than done.  But, this does seem to be the simple secret.  An uncomplicated idea.  All we have to do is choose to practice it - even if we aren't always completely successful, attempting to control how we react to our thoughts is empowering in and of itself.

My spiritual education has included in large part Oprah's OWN network.  Super Soul Sunday and The Next Chapter has been an integral and inspiring part of my instruction.  Anyone else watching?  My daughter calls it my Oprah Church.

So I start another day trying to be conscious of what energy I hold and release, choosing to take the high road and connect with my joy. 

Just keep searching. Just keep searching.

I downloaded a book yesterday onto my nook that was written to help readers find their passion.  I have read other such books that have validated that leaving my corporate career was the right move, but fell short on delivering the perfect next step.  I realize that just reading a book can't deliver all the answers, but I guess I believe if I keep exploring and keep looking, I'll find it.

I have done a lot of volunteer work for three different organizations.  One was a ministry that was doing admirable work in South Africa, but I just wasn't comfortable with the strong religious overtones in that environment.  The other was The Red Cross - great organization.   I am still involved there.  My favorite was the KIPP school, an inner-city charter school that has achieved remarkable improvements in test scores and advanced placement for its students.  While I didn't work directly with the students (so far), I have helped with student recruitment and preparing the school over the summer for the students' return.

I am lucky I have reached a point in my life that I can explore new things and search for meaning.  Yet, I still feel a bit lost during my search.  I can't seem to find that thing that makes me say "That's It!"  Or,"I've finally found exactly what I am searching for."

I guess for now, I'll keep my eyes open and keeping moving forward. 

Stuck at the Fork in the Road

Now, I feel stuck at a crossroads.

My daughter is raised, graduated from college, married a wonderful man who takes great care of her and now is pregnant with her first child.   I reached the pinnacle of my career and felt disillusioned.  The corporate world sucked out my soul so I decided to leave and take a year off to feed my soul and determine what was next.

At the same time, my mother-in-law needed care and transportation to lots of doctor appointments so I took that on and found joy and satisfaction in helping her. 

I need to generate some income but certainly not as much as I did, but what do I want to do next?  I hear so many voices and choices.  Nothing that has come to mind feels like - that's it!  Part of me wants to do an about-face, a complete 180 and do something completely different than what I have been doing in the advertising world. 

And this is where I am today.  Stuck.  The possibilities are endless and I don't know what direction to take.

Open to suggestions.

Start at the beginning

We have all heard it is best to start at the beginning, right?  So here it goes.

I am a mom.  Among all of the titles you could correctly apply to me, Mom is the one that brings me the most joy and most meaning.  While that sounds like a Hallmark card, it is simply the purest truth there is for me.

I am lucky.  I had one child.  Unbeknownst to my mid-twenties self, I had Endometriosis.   Once I started my period in the fifth grade, I had always had sharp abdominal pains surrounding my cycle.  Didn't every girl?  It was normal to me.  So, I didn't know something was wrong or abnormal.

Even though I easily got pregnant at age 25, it was my first and last pregnancy.  Like my typical over-achieving self, I made the best of my one opportunity.  I had a beautiful, sweet and loving baby girl.  And she has given me joy ever since.  Okay, well maybe except for that one summer before she went to college - that was less than joyful.  But, that is a post for another day.

So now that my baby girl is 25 and is expecting her first baby, how do I feel now?  Good question.  Mostly, I am filled with anticipation for the joy and swelling love I am sure to feel.  I am excited about the cuddles, puddles and peek-a-boos.  I am excited to get another glimpse of the baby I held in my new-mother arms.  I am proud to see the loving and generous mother I know my daughter will be.

With all this wonder and anticipation, I have spent a lot of time in reflection and guilt.  Oh as mothers, don't we waste so much time in a state of guilt?  Had I known there would only be one, should I have left the ambitions behind and found a way to stay home with her.  As I climbed the ladder that eventually led to a large windowed office and a VP title, did I give up way too much?  With the perspective I have today, I would have to answer yes.  Being a VP at a major corporation left me feeling soul-less and like a whore - used, unappreciated, unsupported, and yet---paid well.   Sure being a successful professional had its rewards - bonuses, victories, above average ROI.  But, from where I sit today, I don't find any joy or meaning in that, at all.  In fact, it seems tragically, inside-out, hollow, there is nothing there meaningless. 

And, I am profoundly sad about the waste that represents.

As I try to find a direction in the sadness, I wonder if my grandchild will give me a chance to discover what I missed, a renewed properly aligned purpose and true source of happiness and genuine success.  

I have created this blog as a tool to explore my life direction and to get as much joy from life with what I have left.  Along, the way, I hope to gather friendships, support and advisers.

Please join me.