Start at the beginning

We have all heard it is best to start at the beginning, right?  So here it goes.

I am a mom.  Among all of the titles you could correctly apply to me, Mom is the one that brings me the most joy and most meaning.  While that sounds like a Hallmark card, it is simply the purest truth there is for me.

I am lucky.  I had one child.  Unbeknownst to my mid-twenties self, I had Endometriosis.   Once I started my period in the fifth grade, I had always had sharp abdominal pains surrounding my cycle.  Didn't every girl?  It was normal to me.  So, I didn't know something was wrong or abnormal.

Even though I easily got pregnant at age 25, it was my first and last pregnancy.  Like my typical over-achieving self, I made the best of my one opportunity.  I had a beautiful, sweet and loving baby girl.  And she has given me joy ever since.  Okay, well maybe except for that one summer before she went to college - that was less than joyful.  But, that is a post for another day.

So now that my baby girl is 25 and is expecting her first baby, how do I feel now?  Good question.  Mostly, I am filled with anticipation for the joy and swelling love I am sure to feel.  I am excited about the cuddles, puddles and peek-a-boos.  I am excited to get another glimpse of the baby I held in my new-mother arms.  I am proud to see the loving and generous mother I know my daughter will be.

With all this wonder and anticipation, I have spent a lot of time in reflection and guilt.  Oh as mothers, don't we waste so much time in a state of guilt?  Had I known there would only be one, should I have left the ambitions behind and found a way to stay home with her.  As I climbed the ladder that eventually led to a large windowed office and a VP title, did I give up way too much?  With the perspective I have today, I would have to answer yes.  Being a VP at a major corporation left me feeling soul-less and like a whore - used, unappreciated, unsupported, and yet---paid well.   Sure being a successful professional had its rewards - bonuses, victories, above average ROI.  But, from where I sit today, I don't find any joy or meaning in that, at all.  In fact, it seems tragically, inside-out, hollow, there is nothing there meaningless. 

And, I am profoundly sad about the waste that represents.

As I try to find a direction in the sadness, I wonder if my grandchild will give me a chance to discover what I missed, a renewed properly aligned purpose and true source of happiness and genuine success.  

I have created this blog as a tool to explore my life direction and to get as much joy from life with what I have left.  Along, the way, I hope to gather friendships, support and advisers.

Please join me.